Well well, firstly, I'm not saying your activities are boring and need to be improved. Most of the people like it, why change it? The problem lies with me, not with you, so stop taking things as personal insults. It's my psychological barrier that you do not have and hence it is my problem to solve. If you have encouragement or suggestions on how to overcome the fear, I'll welcome all advice. But if you don't, then shut up.

Secondly, don't assume I don't want to enjoy it. I do, badly so. And I have been trying to, so don't assume I haven't been trying hard enough. I'm still trying my best and I don't expect any help from you. I'm going for it, isn't that proof enough?

Thirdly, first impressions count. All my past experiences with it have affected me greatly. I believe the word is traumatised and it is not an exaggeration. My experiences with it have changed how I view it greatly whether positively or negatively. You may have found it fun, well then, good for you, I'm happy for you. I haven't, but I'm still giving it a last chance.

Fourthly, different people have different opinions. You cannot expect a 100% agreement on every issue you think is right. I accept your viewpoint, and I understand how insulted you feel when someone say something really bad about something you're passionate about. But it doesn't mean I share the same views. I don't expect you to share the same views with me as well but that doesn't mean I can't vent my frustration can't I?

Anyway on a lighter note, I watched Juno and don't ask me how I sneaked in when my birthday is in April and I look like a 12-year-old. Despite the cliche storyline, the movie was awesome. I mean it.

Music does wonders.

May your light shine...
in the darkness...

One minute I'm worrying non stop for it, another I'm actually looking forward to it. Is there something wrong?

I'm kind of having mixed feeling to the camp now and it's left me totally confused. I just hope that the sun sets quickly and swiftly because I hate sunsets during camp. THey remind me of families at home eating dinner, students going home from school, the 7pm show that I've grown accustomed to. It makes me feel more homesick than ever but when darkness sets in, the homesickness feeling actually goes away.

I just wish I have something to occupy my time and distract me so that time passes really fast and I'll get really really tired(especially since I have PE that day as well) and I won't think of how much I want to be home doing my homework(math), watching TV or just eating dinner.

Anyway, forget CDs and clothes and boots and hats. I just want courage more than ever now. I need it. But it seems to come and go as and when it likes and I can't always successfully summon it. What do I do? I really need courage, a lot of it.

Then again, just to cheer myself up, I should be glad
1. I'm not stuck in a 4-year war down in the front when handphones weren't even invented yet
2. I'm not being persecuted for my race or religion
3. It's not in foreign part of Singapore that is really old and abandoned
4. It's only 1 night
5. I'm allowed loads of freedom since I'm a senior
6. I'll have music to accompany me
7. I'll probably be really tired so hopefully I can drop down and just sleep like a log

I HAVE TO STAY POSITIVE.

May your light shine...
in the darkness...

I hate E learning. Especially for 3rd lang.

I HATE IT! The website is freaking hard to navigate and use and I have no idea what to really DO for the E-lesson and it didn't dawn on me that I should have done those that were supposed to be HANDED IN first rather than do those which are just mere revisions and don't need to be handed in at all.

And e-learning is horrible enough for a NORMAL subject, try it with German. I almost died. Most of the time I was frantically navigating between the online translator and the MOELC website trying to make sense of the new vocab.

I hate learning 3rd lang online, it's so difficult and annoying. I rather go for class. Oh, and it gets better, the homework gets deactivated by midnight so I have to get it done by THEN.

In addition to studying for the math trigo test and chemistry QA(of which I have no knowledge of since I had no idea what the teacher was saying. Like, WHY WHY WHY can't I take Literature instead of Chemistry) test tomorrow. Yikes, I am so dead.

Have to go do my comprehension on "Ein ganz besonderer Morgen".

Someone help me!


---UPDATE---
Finally done with the comprehension and the story was so freaking lame I cannot even bring myself to describe it. I hope I submitted my homework correctly because I'm not 100% positive if we're supposed to submit it that way but oh well, it was the only method I found.

Learnt a bunch of new vocabulary only to forget them. Oh wait, I learnt what traffic jams are called! BRILLIANT!

My German knowledge bank is rapidly decreasing in quantity.

Nevermind,

ICH LIEBE SCHOKOLADE! <3

May your light shine...
in the darkness...

So beacuse I love History(it's my favourite subject even though most people hate it) I went to read this book on World War I and World War II and the effect it had on me was... shocking. I had no idea how people actually survived, if they weren't killed on the front, then they were in danger of getting killed by air raids, and if THAT didn't kill them, then the sheer stress and fear of being IN a war would just do the job.

Seriously, I admire them SO MUCH.

I mean, most people know about the war. Yeah millions were killed, Hiroshima and Nagasaki were bombed, the whole world(even isolationist USA) went into war, blabla. But they don't know the details. The horrific killings of suspected spies(many of which were probably innocent), the mustard gas(which was so horrible they didn't have the heart to use it in WW2), the way people were gassed to death in Auschwitz through no fault they committed and the separation of thousands of families.

I can tell you after I knew about it, I was SHAKEN. THe governments can just keep on declaring war on other nations but in truth, they probably didn't have to lift a finger. They were probably worried about how many more men they had left to send out to the front instead of the many families who lost their sons in the war. And even after this, I can't believe people still WANT to go to war for stupid things like oil or land or resources.

Can the many lives lost account for material possessions? No, they can't.

And besides, can I ask, who really BENEFITS during war? That's right, no one. And even AFTER you've got to pay for the soldier's counselling and ammunition.

The poor soldiers are probably scarred for life.

ON Saturday night, I was channel surfing(after midnight) and I happened to switch to channel 5 and it was some movie. Once I saw many people being forced into trains without ventilation, and a guy with the Jewish 'star' on his arm, I knew it was the Holocaust. I almost CRIED.

I have to stop being so sensitive.

May your light shine...
in the darkness...

I don't want to grow up.

I want to be a child again, and maintain that childish innocence, where the world was perfect without any flaws, and I wasn't afraid to say whatever I wanted. Childhood was so amazing, its like a fairytale and it will never come back!

I loved it when getting full marks on a math test was possible(for my standard) and we didn't have to commit to anything. All we had to do was to go to school and learn. Even PE lessons were fun(and i can't believe I'm even saying this).

Growing up sucks, and to think I wanted to be a teenager when I was younger.

Anyway, went to my cousin's fsahion show today, and their school is, I can safely say, a million times better then mine. Their toilets were so nice, I can tell you, for once, I am drooling over a TOILET. And its not even made of gold!

Plus, they don't overspend their finances on sport facilities and actually focus more on the facilities of the school as a WHOLE.

Plus, the people were awesome. They were so friendly, and GENUINELY friendly at that. All the people in my school act friendly just to appear professional, because of course, if they laugh and smile to the guests too much, they won't be SERIOUS won't they? Load of crap.

I'd rather people not be so serious. There is nothing in wrong with being young at heart is there? In fact, its probably better because you won't bear grudges and you don't act. I hate people who act, it's disgusting and fake and the lowest form of attention-whoring you can be.

This post so sucks.

May your light shine...
in the darkness...

If I was a soldier in WW1 or WW2, and camp was fighting on the front, I would probably have shot myself on the foot to escape having to fight in trenches filled with mud and human defacation and corpses. Though actually I think there's a penalty for doing that.

I used to watch some films about soldiers fighting on the front while they took a torn and tattered picture of their family, looked at it, and cried silent tears. I wondered if homesickness was really that bad. I thought what drove people crazy were the constant bombs and air raids and mustard gas, and the fear of stepping on a land mine while running for shelter. I thought the sight of your friends dying and having to eliminate lives was what caused shell shock.

I never knew that just being away from home felt like your heart had been ripped out by a merciless beast who refused to kill you yet kept you alive just enough for you to feel the pain. No wonder soldiers went crazy after the war. I don't blame them.

Sudden realisation, I don't have to go for NS. Now be happy Kerryn!

May your light shine...
in the darkness...

That's my baby cousin. He's not even a year old(turning 1 year old this 17th April) and that was the first time he came to our house during CNY.

Yeah, I know he's cute. So are all babies.

Focus on the red suit. That's a playsuit(its not shorts and a shirt.) and it's so freaking cute it makes me jealous. Why do babies have such cute clothes? And obviously, they didn't think to use it as inspiration for adult/teenage fashion. Come on, it's so so CUTE, and convenient to put on too. Plus, its perfect for our hot Singaporean weather.

OK, so I admit. I WANT THAT SUIT. Minus the big logo in front. I can do without huge logos. A belt will do the trick. And boots. XD I don't care it it's 'so last season', the whole point is to wear what you like, not what the trend dictates.

And of course, shops either only sell denim overalls or sleeveless playsuits(which I don't like).

Is it so hard to join a T shirt and shorts together?

And if babies wear it, it means its comfortable too!

What more could you ask for?

Yeah I'm a spoilt pampered brat. Double that. No, actually, TRIPLE that. I can't live outside my home alone for 1 single night, I can't pitch a tent on muddy ground, I don't know what direction fungi grows on on the barks of trees in the forests.

I've been thinking about it(in fact, I have ALWAYS been thinking about it which makes it hard for me to concentrate in lessons but well, can't be helped. It's not like I want to) and much as I want to pull myself together and prove to myself that I can survive one pathetic day out of home, I just couldn't find any willpower to. Someone please help me. Otherwise, I should resort to these...

1. Smuggle like 3-6 cans of beer(the brand with the highest alcohol content) and get totally wasted during lights out so I can fall asleep drunk with no idea of how homesick I am or how creepy the surrounding is. Then I will wake up with a totally WICKED hangover that hurts too badly for me to think of my homesickness. On second thought, vodka would be better because it has a higher alcohol content. Yeah, I'm quite serious.

2. Blast music all night even if the other 3 people kick me and threaten to severe all friendship ties with me. Even though it's gonna be quite scary out there, I'm sure that Rachael Yamagata and Paramore and No Doubt will make things a little better.

3. Gossip and laugh. A lot.

4. FInd a friend willing to SMS me at 1am onwards and spend the night sms-ing away till I'm dead beat and tired.

5. Spend the entire day at school working extra hard so that I will be on the verge of collapse when its lights out and I can just sleep and not think about other stupid things like how homesick I am.

Anyway some stuff I noticed about Luke Brandon(NO not the one on Shopaholic.)
-He's a pretty good teacher despite being a native and all
-He's got a really cool sense of humour
-Even though he sometimes gets annoyed with our laughter
-Somehow he forgot about the class presentations(YESSS)
-And... why is he always wearing the same pants? That's a little weird.

Oh and this post is so random!

I want books by these authors:

-Clive Cussler
-Haruki Murakami
-Jodi Picoult
-Marian Keyes

And these books:
-'Lock and Key' by Sarah Dessen
-'The sweet far thing' by Libba Bray
-'After Dark(アフターダーク)' by Haruki Murakami

Probably not a lot but well I shall add more when they come to my mind. Just to get my mind off IT. Oh shit I'm thinking about it again.

NO NO NO please.

May your light shine...
in the darkness...

I have been thinking rather deeply about my life lately(don't worry I won't go to all that "life is, actually, quite a simplistic pleasure" kind of philosohpy) ever since my cousin asked be what course I wanetd to take in JC(believe me, I didn't even know JC had courses, I just thought it would be like secondary school) and which area I wanted to work in in the future(and it wasn't even like marketing or fsahion or F&B. It was only an "arts or sciences?" question). Yeah, I couldn't come up with an answer.

BUT NOW. NOW IS DIFFERENT.

I have figured out what I want to do in life. I have. Or rather, I have figured out what I want to do in life once I make enough money.

Guess what...?

GUESS!!!!

guessed it?

I want to travel the world(not alone, dammit. That's dangerous)!!!!! I want to learn more about other cultures, about other races and other countries. I want to expand my horizons beyond the scope of Singapore and go to beautiful places I never knew existed in planet Earth(like mountains and canyons) because Singapore has a serious lack of mountains and valleys.

Even if I come back broke and in rags, I won't regret it. Money can be made again, and again. But experiences are once in a lifetime.

I can't believe I have an ambition! This is incredible!

What does Kerryn do when she's bored and on the net?

Do research of course!

Believe it or not, researching is actually addictive. This time, though, I researched on my personality type(INFP) and came up with pretty interesting results...

You don't have to read this. I'm just putting it here for my own reference, what reference I don't know!

1. INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP's value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life. The goal at the end of the path is always the same - the INFP is driven to help people and make the world a better place.

SO TRUE!!! People assume I haven't been thinking about my life, but I HAVE(every day), and I still don't know what I want to do with it.

2. INFPs are flexible and laid-back, until one of their values is violated. In the face of their value system being threatened, INFPs can become aggressive defenders, fighting passionately for their cause. When an INFP has adopted a project or job which they're interested in, it usually becomes a "cause" for them. Although they are not detail-oriented individuals, they will cover every possible detail with determination and vigor when working for their "cause".

True once more. I rarely do extensive research for school projects, but when I was searching on my ancestry, I had more persistence in doing it than I ever had for my school projects. And yes, if you don't offend me, I won't bother you. But if you choose to violate one of my values(lets see, flexibility and acceptance ranks tops) like my CCA, then you bet I'll fight back.

3. The INFP does not devote their intense feelings towards just anyone, and are relatively reserved about expressing their inner-most feelings. They reserve their deepest love and caring for a select few who are closest to them. With Introverted Feeling dominating their personality, they're very sensitive and in-tune with people's feelings, and feel genuine concern and caring for others. Slow to trust others and cautious in the beginning of a relationship, an INFP will be fiercely loyal once they are committed.

Seems like how I make friends! Which is why I'm extremely fussy in friendships and why I take longer than most to forge a REAL friendship.

4. INFPs are warm and caring individuals who highly value authenticity and depth in their personal relationships. They are usually quite perceptive about other people's feelings and motives, and are consequently able to get along with all sorts of different people. However, the INFP will keep their true selves reserved from others except for a select few, with whom they will form close and lasting friendships.

Aha, yes! I don't have trouble getting along with an of my classmates(who, I have to say, are extremely different from me) but I'm not close to any of them either. Oh, and that explains why I can't stand those act cute, act cool people!

5. They lead with their values in mind, and these guide them. They prefer not to take a hands-on approach with others but to allow them to achieve in independent ways. They are facilitative rather than directive.

Which is why I have never been able to get along with my CCA. I mean, independence and standarisation are worlds apart!

6. INFPs have a gift for interpreting symbols, as well as creating them, and thus often write in lyric fashion.

Wait a minute, I write in lyric fashion? What does that even mean?

7. They do not like following all the rules and regulations, but they are not overtly rebellious. They seek to get things done in their own style.

Yeah, I rebel, silently!

8. Have a general advantage in foreign language learning.

What??? Come on, I SUCK at German.

9. INFPs show interest in a varied range of the unusual and original.

Yes! Come on, wouldn't the world be boring if there wasn't originality?

10. They may unexpectedly disrupt a conversation by commenting in such a way as to give the impression that they are not following the subject. This can confuse or puzzle others.

Yes, so my friends, if I ever give a random comment, I am actually still listening to you! I'm an auditory learner after all!

11. When an INFP supports a particular project or goal, they can get an extraordinary amount of work done in a short time. On the other hand, INFPs tend to procrastinate and are dissatisfied by detailed work not related to one of their important values.

Very true, even I'm sometimes surprised at my speed! Don't laugh, you haven't seem me work before!

Basically, I'm guessing it means that we're an unconventional, unstereotyped, misunderstood lot(only about 1-2% of the population forms INFPs). Oh well, doesn't bother me. In fact, I like it that way!

May your light shine...
in the darkness...

Yay it's Chinese New Year and what better time to explore our ancestry and heritage?

Yes, it's ABOUT the identity crisis.

Ok, so this time I was doing research on Wiki and I actually found stuff that was USEFUL in determining my ethnicity's authenticity.

-----INFORMATION-----
(I summarised it and put it in my own words cuz wiki language is boring)

So, the Chinese race, as we call ourselves, are actually made up of 56(or 57) different clans/tribes/ethnic groups and majority(when I say majority, I mean like 91++ %) of the Chinese are from the Han tribe(even though they used ethnic group but I think tribe sounds cooler so I'll use tribe).

The original dialect of the Han tribe, is, of course, Han, which is mandarin. And just when I thought I couldn't be Han because my native dialect is Hokkien and Teochew, I read below that even though mandarin is the official dialect of the Han tribe, many other dialects like Cantonese, Hokkien, Teochew and Hakka are actually from mandarin and they all belong to the Han tribe. So I guess I'm still Han.

Ok, so here's a question. Why then, do we look so different from the northern Chinese(who are also Han)? I found the answer! Because our ancestors were from southern china, we might not be PURE Han Chinese as southern chinese consist of mainly the minority tribal groups and the Han chinese only migrated south sometime in history so we southern chinese may very well be of mixed chinese tribal blood! That's so cool, right? Or am I the only one whos really interested?

By the way, the cheongsam is NOT a Han Chinese traditional costume. The origin of the cheongsam was actually from the Manchus(which is also a chinese tribe, but just not Han). The REAL Han Chinese traditional costume is what I mentioned before, robes and sashes and belts, and its really beautiful too. It looks a bit like a Hanbok, but not as puffy. I wished we were like the Koreans who still own a piece of their traditional costume for special events.

Now I want to do the DNA test more than ever.

May your light shine...
in the darkness...

People obviously thought to manufacture apparel for large people, but NEVER for short people. The simple reason? Because even if short people want to buy blothes meant for tall people, they can just do alteration! Simple isn't it?

NO IT ISN'T.

I am never, and I mean, NEVER, going to buy pants(or jeans) again. I'm so over picking through that irritating rack trying to find the ones I want. I was picking through humongous piles of jeans today, because I wanted one with a flare at the bottom(since I LIKE flares, I don't care if the trend is skinny jeans) and I found one that felt pretty soft so I went to try it on and I happened to pick the correct size as well, so I was kind of chuffed.

Then, of course, doesn't come the part where I actually BUY the jeans, but the part where I have to FOLD UP THE BOTTOM because it is too freaking long for short people with short legs like me, and I needed to see how it would look like after alteration. But then, after folding up the bottom, the flare is gone. Like, GONE. I'm so short, that to alter the jeans to my size, the flare has to be CUT OFF.

Like, WHAT IS THE POINT OF CHOOSING FLARE JEANS WHEN YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE THE FLARE ANYMORE???

So in the end, I didn't buy it. Even though it was 20% storewide at LEVI'S.

I've decided. I'm not going to buy pants anymore, picking through them is too time consuming.

I'm going with shorts now. NOT DENIM MINI SHORTS, thank you. Just normal cotton, earthy-coloured, slightly-above-knee shorts. If I get boots, I'll wear them with boots. And the reason why shorts are so awesome for short people like me, is that even if I pick shorts that are considered short(since most of the apparel are catered for tall people), they aren't that short on me! Plus, shorts are way more comfortable anyway.

I'm going to Bugis to check out the boots population there. Someday.

May your light shine...
in the darkness...